Author: philw

On Friday night, I took my wife out for a show. The Misfits Theater Group presented “D.K. Molar The Devious Dentist” in a hilarious live show at the Odeon Hall in historic downtown Dayton. This was the first time either of us had been to one of these performances. WE LOVED IT!! We will definitely catch the next one.

During intermission, I was called to the stage to stare into the insanely bright spotlight. Not only was I there for the show, I was also there representing Desert Pigs, since Misfits were using that night’s performance to raise money for our nonprofit. The crowd threw a few questions and lots of applause my way while I stood up there. After my deer in the headlights impression on stage, the show resumed.

The show was hilariously fun. My wife and I both enjoyed a cocktail as we watched the performance, and I’m really glad we went. I saw several people I knew there, which reminds me…

Tony, I’ll call the dude about the tires tomorrow! Sorry, squirrel brain and lots going on!

I got to sleep in. It was pretty awesome rolling out of bed around 9 am. Without a care in the world, I floated into the living room, plopped my butt on the couch, and picked up my phone…

Ah shit!

The blood drive I was hosting needed me there in Carson City to unlock the radio station, because Vitalant requires venues to have bathroom access, and nobody was at the building. The bus was rolling to the location. Time to put shoes on!

I took the 30 minute drive to west side Carson City, greeted the phlebotomists in the parking lot, and unlocked the doors to grant bathroom access. While there, I hopped on the mic right after some Scottish music show was done. I talked to the listening public for a few minutes about the urgent need for donors in this poorly attended blood drive. I pleaded for any heroes who had the guts enough to bleed, to get to the radio station ASAP to donate. In the end, only 4 people successfully donated.

A random lady on Facebook told me I shouldn’t shame folks for not showing up for blood drives in Carson City, but…

Y’all are weak AF, Carson City! In Yerington and Dayton we fill those buses every time. Even during COVID, I always surpassed the goal for blood units. I guess we Lyon County folks are just built different, huh?!

WIMPS!!!

While I spent time trying to make Carson City bleed, the clock was ticking toward another scheduled event. Don and Linsey were getting married at Fort Churchill!

This couple heads up the Fernley chapter of Desert Pigs, but jus saying that, is an understatement. Don and Lynsey are absolute rockstars with Pigs. They bring muscle, cool rigs, and awesome leadership to many events. I know if it were not for them I probably would have given up on the effort at some point. I really look up to both of them…

But APPARENTLY, not enough to ever be on time! I ran late to the wedding, and my wife and I missed the actual getting hitched part. We did catch the rain and hail that pounded the venue, which didn’t seem to stop that crowd.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Hawkins!!!

My father and I haven’t spoken much over the past few years. It’s complicated – even more so now that the alzheimers is hitting hard. Like, how can you be mad at someone who doesn’t even remember why you’re mad? He is also on dialysis now.

Over the weekend, boxes started arriving with cool computer stuff. Dad had called a few days before to see if it had arrived, so I knew it was coming. However, I wasn’t prepared for what came. He spent some serious money on us here! I’m still a little bewildered about that. This wasn’t normal.

During our last conversation, Dad seemed a little different, but mostly happy. It was good to hear his voice again. He spoke of dialysis like it was just some inconvenient thing he has to do 3 times a week. Since I am a kidney donor who didn’t come out 100% OK from my donation, I know the important questions to ask. He, on the other hand, didn’t even know what eGFR stood for when I asked about those numbers.

Dad said he had a surgery to get through on the following day. I don’t know why I failed to ask for what. I haven’t heard from him since then. Since tomorrow is dialysis day, I’ll give it a couple days to reach out. Whatever is going on with him right now, I just hope he’s not in any pain.

Every village has its idiot. According to a recent study, Lyon County has approximately 51,213. Why so many idiots have concentrated into this particular county’s villages, is still a mystery.

Displaying gnat-like behavior, a single idiot can be a nuisance to any face it hovers around. To make things worse, The idiot’s behavior attracts other idiots, quickly turning into thick swarms that can be difficult to manage.

Historically, village idiot populations remained low in Lyon County, mostly thanks to the law of FAFO. However with the rise of social media in the mid-to-late 90’s, followed by Lyon County’s eventual awareness of social media by 2018, village idiocy boomed to unprecedented levels.

Years of heavy village idiot activity eventually led to the emergence of a subspecies called the apex idiot. Unlike the typical village idiots, apex idiots have evolved an immunity to regular deterrents, such as threats or public shaming. Even when physically broken, apex idiots return with no regard for their own well being, simply to taunt their aggressors.

Identifying the apex idiot, or Phil Wooley, as it’s more commonly referred to, can be difficult at first. Standing only 5 feet, 6 inches tall, it is difficult to spot among the taller, yet lesser idiots. With a trained eye, the apex can be singled out by its enlarged mouth. Other subtle physical differences include larger-than-normal hands attached to longer, ape-like arms. While impossible to spot when wearing shoes, the apex idiot also possesses monkey-like feet with opposable thumb toes. This, along with other observable factors lead scientists to believe this primate may be the first in history to actually de-evolve.

IThe biggest threat posed by apex idiots, is their potential to invasively spread into politics and public forums. In 2024, one-third of the Lyon County voters nearly let one into the Board of County Commissioners during the Republican primary. It took a coordinated effort by Lyon Republicans, a church, the sheriff, and over $30,000 in campaign funds to prevent this apex idiot from occupying the county seat.

While much work has been done to slow it’s reproduction, the apex idiot is currently breeding out-of-control. Its offspring seem to possess more intelligence, but still display the concerning primitive behaviors of the parent. The females especially, can be unpredictable.

Whenever you encounter an apex idiot in the wild, it is advised that you do not attempt to touch or feed it. As with any wild animal, you must remain aware it could become aggressive without warning, and you never know what sort of diseases it might be carrying. The apex idiot is also known for being able to spit incredible doses of venom over great distances when threatened or irritated. Experts speculate that it may even just do it for fun.

If you happen across a wild apex idiot and see it rolling around on the ground, screaming “FUUUUUCK,” do not attempt to pick it up. It is recommended that you instead, either put it out of its misery, or walk around it, careful to keep out of reach of its dangerous ape hands and big mouth.

While it may be tempting to contact emergency services about the injured apex idiot, this can actually do more harm than good. The idiot was fired months ago, then later couldn’t pay the premium for its health insurance, so it is not equipped to survive the world of medical billing. Instead, simply offer thoughts and prayers and let it die as nature intended.

While nothing seems to end the apex idiot, certain conditions can slow its progression.

Employment has proven to be an effective way of occupying the idiot. Given tasks to complete, while rewarding it with a paycheck, provides focus to distract it from other more destructive tendencies. However, if you fail to compensate the apex idiot for the work it has completed, it will quickly destabilize and revert to more primitive aggressive behaviors. If you hear it making noises like, “WTF, Rachel?! I’m effin’ dying here,” it may be a sign you should go ahead and cut that check you’ve been sitting on since early December… (like for real, it’s January frikkin’ 14th!)

On the flip-side, interrupting employment of the apex idiot can cause it to react in negative ways, such as calling Sandy an evil bitch. If you find yourself making complaints to the employer of the apex over and over to get the creature fired, expect a public display of both middle fingers, accompanied by the expressed hope that you become constipated for a month.