12/12/24
Every village has its idiot. According to a recent study, Lyon County has approximately 51,213. Why so many idiots have concentrated into this particular county’s villages, is still a mystery.
Displaying gnat-like behavior, a single idiot can be a nuisance to any face it hovers around. To make things worse, The idiot’s behavior attracts other idiots, quickly turning into thick swarms that can be difficult to manage.
Historically, village idiot populations remained low in Lyon County, mostly thanks to the law of FAFO. However with the rise of social media in the mid-to-late 90’s, followed by Lyon County’s eventual awareness of social media by 2018, village idiocy boomed to unprecedented levels.
A New Breed of Idiot
Years of heavy village idiot activity eventually led to the emergence of a subspecies called the apex idiot. Unlike the typical village idiots, apex idiots have evolved an immunity to regular deterrents, such as threats or public shaming. Even when physically broken, apex idiots return with no regard for their own well being, simply to taunt their aggressors.
Spotting the apex idiot
Identifying the apex idiot, or Phil Wooley, as it’s more commonly referred to, can be difficult at first. Standing only 5 feet, 6 inches tall, it is difficult to spot among the taller, yet lesser idiots. With a trained eye, the apex can be singled out by its enlarged mouth. Other subtle physical differences include larger-than-normal hands attached to longer, ape-like arms. While impossible to spot when wearing shoes, the apex idiot also possesses monkey-like feet with opposable thumb toes. This, along with other observable factors lead scientists to believe this primate may be the first in history to actually de-evolve.
Disruption of the Idiot Ecosystem
IThe biggest threat posed by apex idiots, is their potential to invasively spread into politics and public forums. In 2024, one-third of the Lyon County voters nearly let one into the Board of County Commissioners during the Republican primary. It took a coordinated effort by Lyon Republicans, a church, the sheriff, and over $30,000 in campaign funds to prevent this apex idiot from occupying the county seat.
While much work has been done to slow it’s reproduction, the apex idiot is currently breeding out-of-control. Its offspring seem to possess more intelligence, but still display the concerning primitive behaviors of the parent. The females especially, can be unpredictable.
Can You Pet an Apex Idiot?
Whenever you encounter an apex idiot in the wild, it is advised that you do not attempt to touch or feed it. As with any wild animal, you must remain aware it could become aggressive without warning, and you never know what sort of diseases it might be carrying. The apex idiot is also known for being able to spit incredible doses of venom over great distances when threatened or irritated. Experts speculate that it may even just do it for fun.
What If You Find an Injured Apex Idiot?
If you happen across a wild apex idiot and see it rolling around on the ground, screaming “FUUUUUCK,” do not attempt to pick it up. It is recommended that you instead, either put it out of its misery, or walk around it, careful to keep out of reach of its dangerous ape hands and big mouth.
While it may be tempting to contact emergency services about the injured apex idiot, this can actually do more harm than good. The idiot was fired months ago, then later couldn’t pay the premium for its health insurance, so it is not equipped to survive the world of medical billing. Instead, simply offer thoughts and prayers and let it die as nature intended.
What Can You Do?
While nothing seems to end the apex idiot, certain conditions can slow its progression.
Employment has proven to be an effective way of occupying the idiot. Given tasks to complete, while rewarding it with a paycheck, provides focus to distract it from other more destructive tendencies. However, if you fail to compensate the apex idiot for the work it has completed, it will quickly destabilize and revert to more primitive aggressive behaviors. If you hear it making noises like, “WTF, Rachel?! I’m effin’ dying here,” it may be a sign you should go ahead and cut that check you’ve been sitting on since early December… (like for real, it’s January frikkin’ 14th!)
On the flip-side, interrupting employment of the apex idiot can cause it to react in negative ways, such as calling Sandy an evil bitch. If you find yourself making complaints to the employer of the apex over and over to get the creature fired, expect a public display of both middle fingers, accompanied by the expressed hope that you become constipated for a month.
Never argue with an apex idiot
Especially if you are a Nevada assemblyman, it is never a good idea to engage publicly with an apex idiot. You are an important human, far more so than that lowly peasant. Attempts to make it look bad will always backfire. You may also learn that many standard village idiots follow the apex idiot, as you get swarmed.
To avoid any negative interactions with this sub-human and its followers, do not speak to it, and avoid eye contact. If you encounter an apex idiot, the only hope for escape is to scream like a little girl, then exit the room immediately. This will confuse and amuse the idiot as it watches you flee, causing it to point and laugh, instead of chasing you. It will likely bring up the incident on Facebook, but just let that happen. Arguing only encourages the idiot to continue delivering epic burns with its toxic, but hilarious responses.
Enyoy it while you can
With its current lifespan and reproduction rate, coupled with the ability to spread idiocy to nearby humans, it’s inevitable that the apex idiot will eventually take over the planet. Until then, politicians and local cult pastors are encouraged to enjoy these final days of corruption while it lasts. It’s only a matter of time before the lesser humans take control.
Good luck and God bless.
