Category: Diary of a Wooley kid

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  • Just another weekend

    After a week of work and trolling both sides of the political spectrum with AI images of Trump in different nonsense scenarios, I was looking forward to an easy weekend.

    It was a rare occurrence for me – for two weekends in a row, I did not go out to clean up illegal dumpsites in the desert. After almost seven years of getting up on Saturdays to get dirty, I had the opportunity to sleep in, avoiding any excitement or adventures…

    Just kidding! There was blood, criminal dentistry, hijacking of a radio station, hail, and even a wedding!

    The Devious Dentist

    On Friday night, I took my wife out for a show. The Misfits Theater Group presented “D.K. Molar The Devious Dentist” in a hilarious live show at the Odeon Hall in historic downtown Dayton. This was the first time either of us had been to one of these performances. WE LOVED IT!! We will definitely catch the next one.

    During intermission, I was called to the stage to stare into the insanely bright spotlight. Not only was I there for the show, I was also there representing Desert Pigs, since Misfits were using that night’s performance to raise money for our nonprofit. The crowd threw a few questions and lots of applause my way while I stood up there. After my deer in the headlights impression on stage, the show resumed.

    The show was hilariously fun. My wife and I both enjoyed a cocktail as we watched the performance, and I’m really glad we went. I saw several people I knew there, which reminds me…

    Tony, I’ll call the dude about the tires tomorrow! Sorry, squirrel brain and lots going on!

    Bloody takeover of KNVC 95.1 FM

    I got to sleep in. It was pretty awesome rolling out of bed around 9 am. Without a care in the world, I floated into the living room, plopped my butt on the couch, and picked up my phone…

    Ah shit!

    The blood drive I was hosting needed me there in Carson City to unlock the radio station, because Vitalant requires venues to have bathroom access, and nobody was at the building. The bus was rolling to the location. Time to put shoes on!

    I took the 30 minute drive to west side Carson City, greeted the phlebotomists in the parking lot, and unlocked the doors to grant bathroom access. While there, I hopped on the mic right after some Scottish music show was done. I talked to the listening public for a few minutes about the urgent need for donors in this poorly attended blood drive. I pleaded for any heroes who had the guts enough to bleed, to get to the radio station ASAP to donate. In the end, only 4 people successfully donated.

    A random lady on Facebook told me I shouldn’t shame folks for not showing up for blood drives in Carson City, but…

    Y’all are weak AF, Carson City! In Yerington and Dayton we fill those buses every time. Even during COVID, I always surpassed the goal for blood units. I guess we Lyon County folks are just built different, huh?!

    WIMPS!!!

    Later that day: a wedding

    While I spent time trying to make Carson City bleed, the clock was ticking toward another scheduled event. Don and Linsey were getting married at Fort Churchill!

    This couple heads up the Fernley chapter of Desert Pigs, but jus saying that, is an understatement. Don and Lynsey are absolute rockstars with Pigs. They bring muscle, cool rigs, and awesome leadership to many events. I know if it were not for them I probably would have given up on the effort at some point. I really look up to both of them…

    But APPARENTLY, not enough to ever be on time! I ran late to the wedding, and my wife and I missed the actual getting hitched part. We did catch the rain and hail that pounded the venue, which didn’t seem to stop that crowd.

    Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Hawkins!!!

    Reading about a hero

    On the trip home from the Hawkins wedding, my wife was driving while I took a moment to peek at the Facebook wall. I read the tragic post a friend put up, explaining how she was about to do the hero walk for her sister, who was about to become a heart, liver, and kidney donor. I could feel the pain in her words, but I could also see he felt that compassion and love headed to three other people who were about to be given a second chance to hold their loved ones again.

    Jenn, if you are somehow reading this now, know that I’m dropping tears on my keyboard. Nobody deserves the hell you’ve endured lately, but I can see it’s not burned your angel wings. You have our love and respect.

    Gifts from Dad

    My father and I haven’t spoken much over the past few years. It’s complicated – even more so now that the alzheimers is hitting hard. Like, how can you be mad at someone who doesn’t even remember why you’re mad? He is also on dialysis now.

    Over the weekend, boxes started arriving with cool computer stuff. Dad had called a few days before to see if it had arrived, so I knew it was coming. However, I wasn’t prepared for what came. He spent some serious money on us here! I’m still a little bewildered about that. This wasn’t normal.

    During our last conversation, Dad seemed a little different, but mostly happy. It was good to hear his voice again. He spoke of dialysis like it was just some inconvenient thing he has to do 3 times a week. Since I am a kidney donor who didn’t come out 100% OK from my donation, I know the important questions to ask. He, on the other hand, didn’t even know what eGFR stood for when I asked about those numbers.

    Dad said he had a surgery to get through on the following day. I don’t know why I failed to ask for what. I haven’t heard from him since then. Since tomorrow is dialysis day, I’ll give it a couple days to reach out. Whatever is going on with him right now, I just hope he’s not in any pain.

    Moods change

    At one point this weekend, I had some deep inner-reflections about all that had happened. Altruism, weddings, death, coming to grips with my own issues with my elders – it all put into perspective, just how stupid things are, which get me all worked up on a daily basis. What’s the point in stressing over insignificant battles? I should live a deeper life, free from the…

    Wait!

    What did that beeyotch just say on NextDoor? The Calvary Chapel cult is still trying to take over the public library? Aw man… time to stir the pot!

    [mindfulness evaporates]

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  • Nature of the Village Idiot

    Every village has its idiot. According to a recent study, Lyon County has approximately 51,213. Why so many idiots have concentrated into this particular county’s villages, is still a mystery.

    Displaying gnat-like behavior, a single idiot can be a nuisance to any face it hovers around. To make things worse, The idiot’s behavior attracts other idiots, quickly turning into thick swarms that can be difficult to manage.

    Historically, village idiot populations remained low in Lyon County, mostly thanks to the law of FAFO. However with the rise of social media in the mid-to-late 90’s, followed by Lyon County’s eventual awareness of social media by 2018, village idiocy boomed to unprecedented levels.

    A New Breed of Idiot

    Years of heavy village idiot activity eventually led to the emergence of a subspecies called the apex idiot. Unlike the typical village idiots, apex idiots have evolved an immunity to regular deterrents, such as threats or public shaming. Even when physically broken, apex idiots return with no regard for their own well being, simply to taunt their aggressors.

    Spotting the apex idiot

    Identifying the apex idiot, or Phil Wooley, as it’s more commonly referred to, can be difficult at first. Standing only 5 feet, 6 inches tall, it is difficult to spot among the taller, yet lesser idiots. With a trained eye, the apex can be singled out by its enlarged mouth. Other subtle physical differences include larger-than-normal hands attached to longer, ape-like arms. While impossible to spot when wearing shoes, the apex idiot also possesses monkey-like feet with opposable thumb toes. This, along with other observable factors lead scientists to believe this primate may be the first in history to actually de-evolve.

    Disruption of the Idiot Ecosystem

    IThe biggest threat posed by apex idiots, is their potential to invasively spread into politics and public forums. In 2024, one-third of the Lyon County voters nearly let one into the Board of County Commissioners during the Republican primary. It took a coordinated effort by Lyon Republicans, a church, the sheriff, and over $30,000 in campaign funds to prevent this apex idiot from occupying the county seat.

    While much work has been done to slow it’s reproduction, the apex idiot is currently breeding out-of-control. Its offspring seem to possess more intelligence, but still display the concerning primitive behaviors of the parent. The females especially, can be unpredictable.

    Can You Pet an Apex Idiot?

    Whenever you encounter an apex idiot in the wild, it is advised that you do not attempt to touch or feed it. As with any wild animal, you must remain aware it could become aggressive without warning, and you never know what sort of diseases it might be carrying. The apex idiot is also known for being able to spit incredible doses of venom over great distances when threatened or irritated. Experts speculate that it may even just do it for fun.

    What If You Find an Injured Apex Idiot?

    If you happen across a wild apex idiot and see it rolling around on the ground, screaming “FUUUUUCK,” do not attempt to pick it up. It is recommended that you instead, either put it out of its misery, or walk around it, careful to keep out of reach of its dangerous ape hands and big mouth.

    While it may be tempting to contact emergency services about the injured apex idiot, this can actually do more harm than good. The idiot was fired months ago, then later couldn’t pay the premium for its health insurance, so it is not equipped to survive the world of medical billing. Instead, simply offer thoughts and prayers and let it die as nature intended.

    What Can You Do?

    While nothing seems to end the apex idiot, certain conditions can slow its progression.

    Employment has proven to be an effective way of occupying the idiot. Given tasks to complete, while rewarding it with a paycheck, provides focus to distract it from other more destructive tendencies. However, if you fail to compensate the apex idiot for the work it has completed, it will quickly destabilize and revert to more primitive aggressive behaviors. If you hear it making noises like, “WTF, Rachel?! I’m effin’ dying here,” it may be a sign you should go ahead and cut that check you’ve been sitting on since early December… (like for real, it’s January frikkin’ 14th!)

    On the flip-side, interrupting employment of the apex idiot can cause it to react in negative ways, such as calling Sandy an evil bitch. If you find yourself making complaints to the employer of the apex over and over to get the creature fired, expect a public display of both middle fingers, accompanied by the expressed hope that you become constipated for a month.

    Never argue with an apex idiot

    Especially if you are a Nevada assemblyman, it is never a good idea to engage publicly with an apex idiot. You are an important human, far more so than that lowly peasant. Attempts to make it look bad will always backfire. You may also learn that many standard village idiots follow the apex idiot, as you get swarmed.

    To avoid any negative interactions with this sub-human and its followers, do not speak to it, and avoid eye contact. If you encounter an apex idiot, the only hope for escape is to scream like a little girl, then exit the room immediately. This will confuse and amuse the idiot as it watches you flee, causing it to point and laugh, instead of chasing you. It will likely bring up the incident on Facebook, but just let that happen. Arguing only encourages the idiot to continue delivering epic burns with its toxic, but hilarious responses.

    Enyoy it while you can

    With its current lifespan and reproduction rate, coupled with the ability to spread idiocy to nearby humans, it’s inevitable that the apex idiot will eventually take over the planet. Until then, politicians and local cult pastors are encouraged to enjoy these final days of corruption while it lasts. It’s only a matter of time before the lesser humans take control.

    Good luck and God bless.

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  • Exposing LCSO Deputies

    1/9/25

    The Cop at Lunch

    Have you ever been sitting in a restaurant, minding your own business, when in walks a Lyon County deputy on his lunch break? You watch him struggling to squeeze into a booth. He barely fits with that belly and kevlar vest filled with cop gear. Once he gets awkwardly settled, you might see him scan the room with a stoic gaze. What’s going on in his head?

    What if I told you I had an inside scoop on Lyon County deputies?

    That Belly

    Too many donuts, right?

    Actually, the truth may be a bit deeper than over consumption or lack of exercise. In fact, the officer you’re watching read the restaurant menu, probably puts in more physical labor than you do on a daily basis. The vest alone, is pretty hot & heavy. So what’s going on?

    Deep inside the brain of this officer, there’s a little part called the Amygdala. Its job is to regulate the fight or flight response, which is crucial for his line of work. In milliseconds, it can activate heart, eyes, hands, and feet to act in response to any threat. It’s what makes us all plant our feet and quickly turn around to face something, such as a sound of a text book unexpectedly hitting the floor of a quiet room.

    As great as it is at keeping the officer alive in intense situations, cortisol comes with a price. Those many dangerous interactions over the years all created their own neural pathways. Unlike the ones created in 9th grade Algebra, the connections were made suddenly, and much stronger than anything learned in a classroom. This is the cause of countless triggers the deputy has to deal with at all times. If he previously served in the military, he has that added mental baggage to go with it. His sympathetic nervous system is hooked to a car battery.

    WARNING: Cortisol can cause increased appetite, especially for high-calorie, high-fat, and high-sugar foods. Cortisol can cause the body to store fat in the abdominal area, also known as visceral fat, leading to cardiovascular disease. Cortisol can lead to insulin resistance, which makes it harder for the body to regulate blood sugar, increasing fat storage and weight gain. Chronic cortisol exposure can lead to muscle breakdown, which can slow metabolism and make it easier to gain weight. Other side effect include, but are not limited to: anxiety, depression, irritability, mood swings, difficulty concentrating, memory loss, insomnia, reduced libido, slow wound healing, increased susceptibility to infections, pain and stiffness in the joints, kyphosis (hunching of the upper back), and increased risk of heart disease and stroke.

    Considering the numerous cases of traumatic situations this deputy has dealt with over his career (or even earlier that day), it’s nearly impossible to shut off all those neural pathways that have hijacked his nervous system. Without routine self-care, all the experiences can pile up, and he could even become one of the 200 law enforcement officers who take their own lives every year.

    As you see the Deputy finish up his lunch break, you see a random citizen approach his table to thank him for his service and offer to cover the lunch bill. The waitress seemed to give him extra attention. Dude probably gets a regular discount for the badge!

    The officer struggles to wiggle himself and his gear back out of the restaurant booth then makes his way out of the dining room. Just short of the door, you see another random citizen stop him to to give a little speech about how he appreciates his service. You notice the officer’s response seems almost annoyed, as he nods at the stranger and makes his way out the door. Perhaps even all of these repetitive shows of appreciation can be a nuisance too. Considering he could be soon tasked with tackling and cuffing just about anyone at any time, coupled with the fact few people could even fathom what he’s really sacrificed over the years, the superficial praise is probably irritating. The free lunch however, is always appreciated. We all gotta eat!

    As the officer drives off, paranoid NPC’s are driving at or below the speed limit. As NPC’s worry the law man is watching them drive, the officer is more likely talking to dispatch, and glancing at the cases showing up his laptop screen while he gets annoyed at you driving too slowly in the fast lane. He’s in Fernley right now, and he’s got stuff to do in Yerington… GTFO of his way!

    M.O.S.T. of What I Know

    In my short career as a community health worker contracted to Lyon County’s Mobile Outreach Safety Team (MOST), I got to spend some hours in the back of a deputy’s vehicle as we went to meet people in their lowest times. While I certainly didn’t get enough on-the-job experience to make me an expert on anything, I did gain a better understanding of what it’s like for sworn officers.

    In 2024, I participated in Crisis Intervention Training at the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office, where I spent a week in a class filled with assorted levels of sworn officers from multiple counties. From those days of presentations, exercises, and candid conversations that I’d never experience anywhere else, my biggest takeaway was how many burdens and fears they carry. They’ve seen things, and they know that every day at work could be their last. They are the ones who have to face the monsters of society, and something as simple as opening a little Tupperware container with fentanyl dust in it could send them to the grave.

    On top of it all, cops are not allowed to have panic attacks or breakdowns. One moment of weakness could mean the end of a career, and they are tested with every call they answer. As an added bonus, they get d-bags who’ll drive all the way from San Fransisco to be provocative, shoving cameras in their face, hoping to catch a deputy slipping for their YouTube channel.

    What Can We Citizens Do?

    Want to take some burden off those who protect and serve? BE GOOD. Don’t get drunk in public, keep your hands to yourselves, and don’t drive like an idiot. Really we all would appreciate that.

    If you do slip up and get in trouble, even at the point you are being detained, be cooperative. Realize this officer is a human being who is looking forward to a beer and BBQ on his or her day off, just like you. They may not be your friend at that moment, but there is no need to escalate. If you’re going to jail, don’t be a raging A-hole about it.

    Don’t call dispatch every time your neighbor plays his music too loudly in his garage. There are only so many deputies on shift at any given time, and there is a lot of miles between towns. Don’t call them over your pissing match, unless the neighbor dude starts waving a chainsaw around. In fact, I’d call as soon as you see him pull the starter rope.

    Read Sheriff Pope’s weekly messages. He has been doing a great job of keeping the public informed through social media the whole time he’s been in office. Nobody likes everyone, so I’m sure someone would disagree, but he’s done an outstanding job all around from my perspective.

    For Real Though, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

    “I could never do what you do.” Officers, I’m sure you hear this a lot, so go ahead and roll your eyes as I say it. The C.I.T. classes gave me a glimpse of what you deal with, along with what you carry while off-duty. I admire those who hold it together, and I understand for those who couldn’t.

    Take care of yourselves. Thank you for taking care of us.

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