Yesterday evening, I found myself standing at the epicenter of a magnitude 5.7 earthquake. As this major geological event was happening below my feat, I was busy connecting a borrowed battery to my mom’s broken down pickup truck on the side of Highway 50 in Stagecoach. As the vehicle started dancing, I wondered what my mom was doing in the cab. Peeking around the hood, expecting to see her head banging, I just saw her sitting there, staring off into the distance like it wanted to fight.

The day before this…

MY BOY GOT MARRIED!

Sunday afternoon, my second-oldest son got married to an AWESOME woman, and I couldn’t be more proud. The ceremony was simple, and the bride and groom were beautiful. As great as it was, this day did come with challenges.

Cold weather challenge

Freakishly cold weather was challenge number one. Wet chilly winds mercilessly beat us all down in the Dayton State Park pavilion. Everyone was a good sport as we watched the ceremony, then ate some delicious goodies like a bunch of burly desert vikings.

Challenge number two for me this day, was driving Mom to stagecoach to see about her pickup that died halfway to the wedding site. Hoping some oil and a jump would get the old ford shitbox rolling, that ended up not being the case. I suspect it’s a goner, but I never claim to be a mechanic.

I decided to take the following Monday off from work to help out Mom. I had a great plan: charge a battery from my back yard Suburban, head back out to the dead shitbox with my big-brained mechanical bestie, and be done with all that by noon. What could go wrong?

Health challenge

Oh no! My big brained mechanic bestie fell out with some health complications.

OK then, It’s up to me.

Missing keys challenge

Time to get shoes on, grab the keys… um… [pats pockets and checks the communal key rack]… wait, where are my keys?

Bonus challenge! Now I was stuck at home until Lisa got back from work. As soon as she did, I took off to screw with the broken truck, taking a fresh battery. It still wouldn’t crank. As I’m writing this, it’s still dead on the side of Highway 50.

Thinking hard to remember the last time I saw my keys, I did recall accidentally grabbing them when I was taking my wife’s car Sunday after the wedding. At that time, I was extremely aggravated by a blow-up argument with my mom in a house full of wedding guests. I don’t know if they got lost in the shuffle of people, if my mom accidentally grabbed them, or if I dropped them on the side of Highway 50 while working on Mom’s truck shortly after that moment. Everyone’s searched and phone calls have been made to guests, but so far, no luck.

Heart challenge

All the daily trials and tribulations can really add up after a while, especially when they seem to come back-to-back. With my recently discovered high blood pressure issues, I’m especially concerned about what stress does to my aging human meat suit they named Phillip in the 1900’s.

I don’t pray to any gods, and touching grass isn’t helping. So how can I find peace in all this chaos? Oh, [duh] I know how…

Solution: SPREADSHEETS!

I find spreadsheets of any flavor so satisfying. Whether it’s Excel, LibreOffice, Apple Numbers, or Google Sheets, I can get lost on those rows and columns for hours, sorting and calculating variables.

I first got hooked on spreadsheets in the early 2000’s, when I learned I could use cells and formatting to build print layouts identical to the ones we used in Indesign. This enabled our company’s copywriter to easily do his job, which would autofill on my end, cutting out many hours of labor.

Years later, after I left the calculator company to work for the legal brothels, I created a method in Google Sheets to track the tours of hundreds of ladies in lineup at multiple establishments, along with all their media.

In a later job, I used LibreOffice to create a dynamic set of tables with variables that tracked the types and cuts of all available steel materials for a military contractor. When the military required them to use only Microsoft products, I had to translate this into a much pickier Microsoft Excel. With this tool, hours and even days of work were cut down dramatically in the drafting and engineering departments.

Even at home, a spreadsheet my wife acquired through an online seminar is keeping us housed with lights on and food in the fridge, despite our tiny combined household income.

So what if I used these tools to sort my own real-life chaos? The calculation would be one just of simple balance – a sort of pros & cons measurement. For every bullshit action from the universe, I must add an equal or stronger silver lining reaction.

Example of the bullshit that lingers on my mind, and the silver lining in each turd:

Bullshit	Silver Lining
Mom’s truck broke	Better in Stagecoach than an hour away in Reno.
Freezing weather at wedding	Both families proved how tough they were to endure the cold, and they say it’s good luck to rain at a wedding.
Lost truck keys	Learned a friend has some badass skills from growing up in East L.A.
Pig trailer registration due soon	Excuse to get Arby’s when I go the Carson DMV
Potentially scary labs are taking an extra week (so far) to process	I have life insurance now, and the family could pay off the house if I croak.
Awkward hug given when new cousin-in-law wanted to just shake hands	Halfway into the unwanted hug, I realized what was up, and just went for it full-send, making it purposefully awkward for the sake of a funny story to tell.
Dude on TikTok made a video stitching one of my videos, then reported me to secret service, telling me to expect a knock on my door soon.	I’m gonna get to hang out with Secret Service! How cool is that?! This makes me feel important, even though I just posted a stupid video talking shit about Trump. I can’t wait. You think they’ll let me video the meeting for TikTok…?

This simple visual of the things that were eating me today is helpful for me to not carry the bullshit of life around in the cargo shorts pocket of my soul. Could this be considered a weird form of prayer or medication? I feel like it is.

Every day brings a new sheet to balance. Some table cells on the left column may become extra difficult to counter on some days, but they can never be left blank. This keeps me somewhat on task, and relieves some of that stress that’s been trying to give me a stroke.